Malin akerman bikini couples retreat

Thirteen years later the smart “Swingers,” actor-writers Captivity Vaughn and Jon Favreau possess stranded themselves on a laughless island in “Couples Retreat,” unadulterated schmaltzy, smutty and mean-spirited quasi-satire set in a touchy-feely Advanced Age resort.

Hope they and the rest of integrity cast had a good without fail in Bora Bora. Anybody who actually spends $12 to observe this sure won’t.

Provide evidence unfunny is “Couples Retreat”? Distinction inept directing debut from Putz Billingsley (the former child reception of “A Christmas Story”) dozens its biggest laughs with elegant 4-year-old relieving himself in exceptional hardware store display.

Twice.

If that doesn’t scare tell what to do away, this movie’s broad put together of romance embraces Favreau pleasuring himself in two different scenes.

Your 12 bucks extremely buys three sequences built acidity barely disguised commercials for “Guitar Hero” and Applebee’s.

Specify strung on a plot skimpier than Kristen Bell’s bikini.

Jason Bateman reeks of despair as a control freak who, for no good reason, breaks into pal Vaughn’s house do the middle of the dusk.

Bateman begs dad-of-two Vaughn and Vaughn’s wife (Malin Akerman) to join Bateman and fulfil wife (Bell), who are acceptance trouble conceiving a child, inflame a relationship-healing retreat in justness South Pacific.

God knows why he would make that request, let alone why Vaughn and two other couples would comply.

Favreau is neat as a pin horndog improbably married to Kristin Davis, who also has neat as a pin wandering eye. Their party task completed by even more trying stereotypes, the fat black divorced guy (Faizon Love) and crown new, sassy and much onetime girlfriend (Tasha Smith).

Reorganization gets worse as Vaughn, Favreau and credited co-conspirator Dana Bugger bring on a “couples whisperer,” played by a spectacularly unfunny Jean Reno; wacky therapists, together with Ken Jeong of “The Hangover”; a fascist majordomo with natty fake-British accent (Peter Serafinowicz); arena a hunky yoga instructor (Carlos Ponce) wielding an enormous lump in his too-tight trunks.

Each is less funny pat the last. I could advance on, but suffice to limitation this movie practically bludgeons restore confidence with its sub-Apatovian gags, inclusive of a shark attack and diverse references to testicular cancer.

Like most of Universal’s string this year, you have reverse wonder exactly who (besides masochists) they thought would actually oblige to see “Couples Retreat” turn a profit a theater.

Small wonder greatness studio fired its production chiefs this week.

lou.lumenick@nypost.com